You've got a [C]headache,
And I've [G]got some strange disease.
Don't worry a[D]bout it!
This pill will [C]set your mind at [G]ease.
It's called Progeni[C]torivox,
And it's [G]made by SquabbMerlCo.
It's a [D]life-enhancing miracle,
But there are [C]some things you should [D]know.

It may cause:

[G]Agitation
[E7]Palpitations
[A7]Excessive [D7]salivation
[G]Constipation
[E7]Male lactation
[A7]Rust-colored [D7]urination
[G]Hallucinations
[G7]Bad vibrations
[C]Mild electric [Cm]shock sensations

[G]But it's [Em]worth it
[A7]For the [D7]drugs I [G]need [Em] [A7] [D7]

My di[Bm]sease may not be fatal,
But [Em]I can ease my fears
By [A7]taking two twelve-dollar pills
Each [D7]day for fifty years.
They've spent [Bm]billions to convince me,
So [Em]now I realize
Pro[A7]genitorivox beats [D7]diet and exercise.

I've got in[C]surance.
At [G]least for now, I do.
And [D]if I bought generic,
It would [C]cut my costs in [G]two.
But I *want* Progeni[C]torivox
'Cause I [G]saw it on TV.
Those [D]families looked so functional,
That [C]paisley pill's for [D]me!

But it may cause:

[G]Deprivation
[E7]Humilation
[A7]Debtors' Prison, and
[D7]Deportation
[G]Dark depictions
[E7]Dire predictions
[A7]Life as seen in [D7]Dickens' fiction
[G]Empty pockets
[G7]Court dockets
[C]May cause eyes to [Cm]pop from sockets

[G]But it's [Em]worth it
[A7]For the [D7]drugs I [G]need [Em] [A7] [D7]

[G]But it's [Em]worth it

(interrupting, to the tune of "O, Canada!")

[G]In Canada,
They [Am7]get this for a [D7]song!

[G]But it's [Em]worth it
[A7]For the [D7]drugs I [G]need [Em] [A7] [D7]

[G] [Em] [A7] [D7] (repeats throughout closing "disclaimer" voice-over, below)

DISCLAIMER: (read rapidly in a low voice at song's end)

The opinions expressed in this song are not necessarily those of SquabbMerlCo or its subsidiaries. Progenitorivox is not available, anywhere Offer void in Wisconsin. Any resemblance to actual drugs, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Any unauthorized use of your own judgment in the application of Progenitorivox is strictly prohibited. Progenitorivox may not be reproduced without the expressed written consent of Major League Baseball. Progenitorivox may cause drowsiness or restlessness in lab animals. Do not resume sexual activity while operating heavy machinery without consulting your physician. For erections lasting longer than four hours, insert your own joke here. If you experience psychotic episodes, you're crazy. If death occurs, discontinue use of Progenitorivox immediately. If symptoms persist, consult your physician. All sales final. Batteries not included.