Teenager Embarrassed by Father's Ukulele Playing
Coeur D'Alene, ID--Local teen Shenaya Anderson was surprised at her fourteenth birthday party when her father produced his ukulele and began serenading her. Although Anderson's friends smiled politely through the impromptu performance, Anderson hid her face in her hands. "I thought it was a sweet idea," said Mrs. Anderson, "and it wasn't the only gift he got her." "It wouldn't have been so bad if he stopped after 'Happy Birthday,'" interrupted the embarrassed teen, "But I don't think any of my friends wanted to hear 'Old Black Joe.'"

Man Fails to Come Up with Pun, Keeps Quiet
Seattle, WA--During a round table, musical pun word game participant Brian Wallace remained quiet and pensive, allowing his turn to be passed three times. "Everyone was coming up with these great puns but I couldn't think of anything until I resolved this Bob Uecker/ukulele thing in my head," said Wallace. As the game progressed Wallace grew increasingly distracted by the Mr. Belvedere theme song that began playing in his head. "I don't mean to harp on the subject," offered friend Ian Dunn, "but he was getting all high strung and wound up." Wallace thought of a great pun four hours later at three am.

Ukulele Red Flying Garble-lack
Glasgow, KY--A man standing on the southwest corner of the 83rd St. Safeway parking lot conveyed his various concerns to passersby in a recent impromptu speech. "Wang faddle, router to the growing pita," said the man, "Wang faddle! Ukulele red flying garble-lack." The discourse paused temporarily when the on-site manager of Greg's Roses distracted the otherwise determined orator by smoking a cigarette. "Discotheque walking strock new brick fen olive," continued the man following the interruption before switching abruptly to a quiet muttering of what one passer-by recognized as the ingredients of a "Big Hunk" candy bar.

George Harrison's Reincarnated Soul Frustrated By Lack of Appendages
Shrevesport, LA--Following the passing of his earthly vessel, Mr. Harrison's soul ascended into the cosmic oneness where it remained until last Wednesday when it became eligible for reincarnation. Now dwelling on the underside of a broad baobab root in the form of a large snail, Mr. Harrison has been speaking to his fans through the services of popular radio psychic and "medium at large" Estella Durante. "I'm very pleased to be back," intoned Mrs. Durante, speaking for Mr. Harrison. Mrs. Durante characterized her conversations with the snail as "very enlightening". "He doesn't want the US to bomb Iraq and misses playing his ukulele," offered Mrs. Durante. "My pseudopod can be musically limiting, but don't get me wrong," continued the medium channelling the ex-Beatle again, "I enjoy this life... lettuce has never tasted so good."

Raelians Claim Ownership of Naughty Photograph
Lemuria, NV--Following closely on the heels of the disclosure of their recent human cloning efforts, the Raelians announced that they had also successfully developed a photograph of a scantily clad woman holding a ukulele. The news was received with much skepticism from the ukulele community. Ukulele Jefferson, author of the popular "Nekkid Uke" newsletter, said at a recent news conference: "The Raelians' claim is highly irresponsible! A photo of a naked woman holding a Martin is the holy grail of ukedom! I've looked all over for years for pictures of women and ukes, and suddenly they develop one just like that?" Major publications such as Time and Newsweek have lent credence to the Raelians' claims further frustrating the ukulele personality. "I've even gone so far as to advertise for such pictures," said Jefferson shaking his head, "All I got was vitriol poured over my head."

Uke Player Disappointed by Lack of Attention
Hamilton, ID--After bringing his new ukulele to a baseball game, high school geography teacher Paul Chenbaum returned home disappointed. "Nobody really paid any attention to me," moaned the despondent Chenbaum. "From what I've read online it seems that you can't drag a uke anywhere without some stranger coming up to you and smiling and maybe exchanging phone numbers for a quick coffee later on."

Man Waiting for Talent to Catch Up
Columbus, OH--"Of course I'd like a better uke, who wouldn't?" asks Kevin McKellen, "it's just that I'm waiting for my talent to reach a point where it warrants buying a Kamaka or Martin, or one of those maple-top National Resophonic ukes, the one with the nickel-plated brass coverplate, and the concert neck, the wood's all nice and it's got that kind of satin finish that's really... nice... Lord, how I want one of those National Resonators." The 43 year old dentist is a self-taught musician and has played the uke for three years, over which time his talent has progressed from "not so good" to "not too bad" to the most recent "not bad, I guess."

Ukulele and BBQs Poor Mix Says Prez
Nampett, ME--"The idea is harmless enough in and of itself," blustered Maine Ukulele Group president Richard Tenzo, "but ukuleles really have no place at BBQ picnics. I don't want my Gibson gummed up with barbeque sauce and catsup, I don't want the group to suffer any condiment spillage." Tenzo's suggestion of a uke-free-and-therefore-safe gathering was met with skepticism by long-time strummer Dale Barton. "The condiment threat issue is being blown out of proportion. I want to know more about using detergent soaked citrus chips in the soundhole to deter Japanese Borer Beetles. Have we abandoned that?" Other members have taken Tenzo's uke security policies in stride. "It's just a barbeque, we don't really need our ukes," considers an unnamed player. "I agree," offered another, "the spirit of uke has never been in reckless use. Some standardized regulations or a clearly illustrated manual would make me a better player."

Claims of First Talk Show Ukulele Disputed
Burbank, CA--It was while watching a retrospective of television legend Johnny Carson's life that Chaney started his campaign for truth. "The reporter said that [Carson] was the first talk show host to have a ukulele player on as a guest when Tiny Tim married Miss Vicky on air on December 17th, 1969. Baloney!" Carefully opening a yellowed TV Guide, Chaney offered this nearly-forgotten historical record: Channel 32 - 8pm - We the Chosen - Rabbi Gronam Sachs offers new ukulele accompanied Maftir and Haftorah readings as competition to the popular seductions of Arthur Godfrey. "You see?" exclaimed Chaney, "Wednesday, June 19th, 1957. Fifty seven!" NBC will offer a retraction of its claim in the next shareholder newsletter.

Wealth/Ukulele Correlation Questioned by Economist
Prince George, BC--The long-held precept that even the richest children are poor without musical training was challenged in a recently published paper at the University of Northern British Columbia. "To claim that a child's financial net worth decreases with a lack of musical training is academically irresponsible," claims Prof. Ken Clarksen of the University's Economics Faculty, "What diminishes with a child's lack of musical training is his or her tolerance of spicy foods." Prof. Peter Norris, Associate Dean of Economics, confided that this was likely Prof. Clarksen's last paper before retirement.

Ukulele Playing Parrot Confuses Cartoonist's Father
Oakland, CA--At a recent family dinner patriach Bob Connors questioned the logic in his son's decision to use a ukulele-playing parrot as a cartoon mascot. "Anthropomorphism is fine and all, but how can you make a bar chord with a feather for a finger?" Connors added, "Now dachshunds are funny." In a related story, the cartoonist's mother thinks his work is "very good."

Mattel to Recall Gasoline Filled Ukuleles
Redding, PA--In a move that surprised market analysts and competitors alike toy manufacturing giant Mattel announced the recall of its Plunky McTop-Top Gasoline Filled Ukulele. "As much as we love the gas-filled uke the market response just hasn't been there," reported Mattel spokesperson Melanie Van der Weij. Many Mattel employees are left wondering if the company's marketing department didn't properly plan the release of the toy. "You see this from time to time," said toy designer and engineer Alan Wang, "you have a great toy, but for whatever reason the public just doesn't latch on to it. Many of our best ideas end up on the focus group room floor."

"The Booger Snot Rag" Offends Seniors
Willingsboro, NJ--Nikki Duboce was surprised by the reaction her latest performance at the Moberly Manor Seniors Retirement Center spawned. "Everything was going great," said Duboce, "until I started singing The Booger Snot Rag." As Duboce finished the first verse, many of the seniors in attendance began fidgeting and sighing audibly. Several seniors looked reproachfully at Duboce who continued playing. "I didn't live eighty seven years to have this kind of kinky music sang at me," exclaimed Senior's Activity Ombudsperson Lucille "Dinah" Kelly. "I still don't understand it," said Duboce shaking her head, "[the song] went over great last week at P.S. 113."

Hairy Chested Man Holds Uke Close to Heart
Woodside, CA--Tanning oil magnate and all-around bon vivant Lon Bergstrom held a party at his home last Tuesday to announce his receipt of the worldwide patent rights for his new Lon Bergstrom No Slip Fun In the Sun-a-lele. "As a tanning afficionado, I've been frustrated for years by the nearly total unholdability of the ukulele while slathered with even my least viscous tanning oil," read Bergstrom to friends, reporters, and entourage, "but now, with my newest invention even the greasiest Frenchman will be able to play!" Detractors of the hugely popular Bergstrom remain unimpressed. "His so-called invention is nothing more than a piece of velcro attached to the back of a ukulele. That ain't science!!" yelled frustrated inventor Karl Jurgensen. The world's greasiest Frenchman couldn't be reached for comment.

E Major Chord Pushes Student to Tantrum
San Antonio, TX--"It's dumb!" shouted beginning ukulele player Kellen Randall during his home lesson last Thursday referring to the E major chord, "I hate it!" Stomping from his room to the top of the stairs Randall yelled, "Why do I have to learn E major? It's not like I'm ever going to use it!" Apparently unperturbed by her son's tantrum, Naomi Randall (mother) noted "Kellen finds a lot of things dumb: passing the ball in soccer, any type of pizza but cheese, Sunday school... I'm not worried though," continued Mrs. Randall, "he said the exact same things about B flat."

Ukulele Wedding Opens "Big Fat Can of Worms"
State College, PA--"We met in Hawaii," started bride-to-be Jenna Perry, "so we figured an ukulele orchestra would be appropriate to the ceremony." "We had no idea Jenna's grandma would freak out like this," added Perry's fiancé, Matt Philpott. On learning that her granddaughter had booked Brudda Mike's Uke-a-Freakout, Mrs. Perry began "huffing and sighing" and "rolling her eyes". "We thought it was odd," said Philpott, "she didn't make a fuss over my hibiscus print cummerbund or the three hundred pound Samoan officiator, but the minute we mentioned ukuleles, she got uptight." "I didn't want this hanging over my head on the most important day of my life," continued Perry squeezing her finacé's hand, "so I kept asking her why she was upset." Persistently confronted by her granddaughter over the course of three days, Mrs. Perry finally confessed, "I once spent the night with Cliff Edwards". "We had to go on Google to find out who Cliff Edwards was," said Philpott, "but now that I know, I think the whole thing is kind of cool." "Not me," said Perry, "this is just a big fat can of worms."

Holiday Carols Create Strife in Glee Club
Wichita, KS--The newly formed Wichita High Ukulele Players And Singers Society faced dissention in its ranks when uke player Ryan Deibert started voicing his detractive opinions of popular carols. "It's just like Ryan," theorized band-member Laetitia Miller, "He'll take any position just to sound different, like the time he claimed Mr. Joost was the best substitute teacher when we all know he is so not."

Man's Waning Infatuation Treated
Tree Neck, OH--"Feh," muttered despondent ukulele player Jack Martinick to a panel of ukulele advocates. The panel conferred briefly before offering its recommendation. "It is quite common for players to plateau between simple strumming and chord melody soloing," explained music professor Marta Renek, "And they then enter a very fragile state between complacency and intimidation." The panel prescribed an Ukulele Club de Paris recording and recommended Martinick begin exploring second position chords.

Attempt to Clone Bill Tapia Results in Ukulele Playing Sheep
Sunnyvale, CA--"I don't know what I expected," said Dr. Mary McCutcheon. "I mean, I barely understand second position chords. But after extracting a complete strand of DNA from his felt pick I really thought this had a chance of succeeding." Geneticists from Scotland and North Korea will join the study.